What If Gun Companies Were Honest? (aka. The Video Where We Humorously Insult Every Gun Company)

Gun companies, like most organizations these days trying to sell you something generally have some kind of catchy slogan or clever marketing buzzword associated with their brand. However, we here at TFBTV think we have come up with a nice list that is a little more accurate than what you would find in a brochure at the SHOT show.

Firearms Featured:
Smith and Wesson 28-2
Colt 6920
FS2000
SCAR
PS90
Five Seven
MP5
Model 8
Hi Power
1911
Calico
M82A1
M9
556
CZ75
CZ 452
Tavor
AUG
MPL
Gewehr 98

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Thanks to our sponsor Ventura Munitions. Without them TFBTV Would not be possible.

 

Transcript …

– [Voiceover] Hey guys, it’s Alex C with TFBTV.

Gun companies, like most organizations these days trying to sell you something, generally have some kind of catchy slogan or clever marketing buzzwords associated with their brand.

However, we here at TFBTV think we’ve come up with a nice list that is a little more accurate than what you would find in a brochure at the shot show.

I present Guns and Gun Manufacturers: Honest Marketing Slogans.

Smith & Wesson: because Colt doesn’t make the Python anymore.

Colt: bankruptcy is nothing but a word.

we sell more novelties than Dairy Queen.

Heckler & Koch: how much longer can we coast on our reputation from the ’80s? Glock: like the Toyota Camry.

Good, reliable, and with no soul.

Remington: when the bean counters triumph.

Browning: we somehow convinced people to put our logo on even their girlfriend’s cars.

Wilson Combat: we run on pure opulence.

Calico: LSD and small arms design are, in fact, synonymous.

Barrett: because it isn’t called the Bill of Needs.

Beretta: buy a $100,000 shotgun from the guys who also make the M9.

Sig: Swiss quality and craftsmanship, imported straight from New Hampshire.

come for the pistols, stay for the long guns.

proof that marketing is amazing.

Steyr: what the hell is marketing? Walther: we used to make the PPK.

Mauser: remember when we ruled the world? No? Oh, okay, never mind.

Anyways guys, I hope you all enjoyed this.

It’s just something kind of funny and fun that I put together in a relatively short amount of time.

I think CZ got off a little too easy though.

But we have nothing against any of these brands realistically.

It’s just kind of fun to poke fun at some of these sometimes.

Anyways, big thanks to Ventura Munitions.

This is Alex C with TFBTV.

Hope to see you next time.



Alex C.

Alex is a Senior Writer for The Firearm Blog and Director of TFBTV.


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  • Todd

    Ruger – We finally make magazines with more than 10 rounds.

  • BattleshipGrey

    Not guns specifically, but:

    Hornady- Somehow the people that print our box labels keep adding 100fps on our stated velocities.

  • schizuki

    The SIG made me LOL.

    • KestrelBike

      I laughed hard at the FN novelties one. He hesitated so long on the HK one I thought he was actually going to say it!

      • Twilight sparkle

        You mean this?

  • Cz definitely got off too easy!

    • schizuki

      That’s what under-rated excellence will get you.

      (Unapologetic CZ fanboi).

    • De Facto

      No no, it’s “honest marketing slogans” and that’s quite accurate. Awesome pistols and lesser known great long guns. Buy one, and you’ll be saving for another before you know it!

    • CZ should be “The best gun designers America never heard of”

    • iksnilol

      Eh, it was brutally honest.

      Got a CZ 75, now I’m looking at their rimfires and I sorta want them to fill my 6.5×55 Mauser itch.

      • Paul White

        Oh god I lust after their 6.5×55 with the full Mannlicher stock. But I’m lower middle class so I can’t remotely justify that vs the Howa 1500 in the same caliber. But I wants it my precious!

        • Tassiebush

          Haha I refer to myself as downwardly mobile

          • iksnilol

            Have y’all just tried to not be poor?

            :/

        • SpartacusKhan

          Follow Mitt Romney’s advice: “Why can’t poor people just buy more money?”

    • Rob

      CZ: “Who knew the Czech Republic exported something other than porn stars”

  • schizuki

    Ruger: the finest firearm money can bu… AAAAAND there’s a recall.

    • Evan

      That Hi-Point one had me laughing out loud.

  • Renegade

    Kel-Tec – When you can get them, they’re great when they work.

  • Evan

    Barrett should actually use that slogan for advertising.

  • TheNotoriousIUD

    Try the veal and tip your waitress, people.

  • Some Guy

    Walther: We added the button you wanted. Please love us!

    • GUNxSPECTRE

      “Double-O’s love us. Shut up, love us too.”

    • Wyatt Earp

      I love the de-cocker on the P99.

      But I loved Walther before then, too.

      Walther: Makes Glock look like the plastic toy it is.

  • GUNxSPECTRE

    Just go ahead and jump into a pool of burn medicine and aloe vera.

  • Mike

    This video was just a big pile of meh.

  • LOL! Right on the money.

  • FN – “We’re not like H&K, we actually like our customers and sell them what they want”
    H&K – “We hate you and you can’t have the guns you desire, now buy our over price pistols!”
    Ruger – “Bill is dead, we now make guns Fudds hate”
    Remington – “We use to make good typewriters”
    CZ – “The best gun designs America has never heard about”
    Magpul – “It ain’t been done until its been done in plastic”
    DPMS – “No that was a different company with the same name in the 90s”
    Keltec – “Plastic and screws can solve and design issue”
    Colt – “Our last original design was in 1992, and we are scared to have another one”
    Bushmaster – “Marco………..”
    Sig – “You wanted a Swiss 551 but we thought we knew better”
    Taurus – “We will have a new design when Beretta and S&W design it”
    Anzio Ironworks – “We hate shoulders and retinas”
    Kimber – “Selling rust for more”
    Knight’s Armament – “We make stuff for the military, be glad you can buy some of it”
    North American Arms – “The smallest revolver no one asked for”
    Palmetto State Armory – “We make AR receivers cheaper than any one”
    Serbu Firearms – “We’re the other 1/2 inch”
    Springfield Armory – “Supplying more Glock hating gun owners than any one else”
    Weatherby – “We can turn any caliber into a more expensive alternative”
    Kriss – “We make boat paddles that shoot 45 ACP”
    Daewoo – “The guns that no one liked until Clinton banned them”
    Pakistani Ordnance Factory – “Selling you what H&K will not”
    Beretta – “Taking a pistol designed in 1951 and selling it for 65 years”
    James Purdey and Sons – “You can’t afford any of the shotguns we make”
    Holland & Holland – “You can’t afford any of the rifles we make”
    Webley & Scott – “We are the revolver Indian Jones uses”
    Sterling Armaments Company – “We convinced the UK to adopt the worse assault rifle ever adopted”

    • SP mclaughlin

      The Beretta one is kinda moot since Colt has been selling the 1911 for 105 years now…

      • Well several other manufacturers can also have the same thing said of them, Winchester Lever guns, Colt SAA, etc.

        • Rob

          Marines recently adopted a Colt M1911. The FN mag was in use by allies since the 50’s. Only took us 40 years to catch on and replace the M60. Also the Beretta 92 is quite different from the m1951 so….

          • politicsbyothermeans

            That was in 2012. This time last year there was a message letting MARSOC dudes choose to carry the Glock 19. Most have transitioned to the Glock. The M45 has a steeper training curve and suffers from some stoppages well above the sort cleared by a tap, rack, bang.

        • idahoguy101

          The M9 has the high capacity of the BHP and the guts of the Walther P38 in one package

          • George Dean

            And the Tarus 92 is even better.

    • BrandonAKsALot

      FN – “We’re not like H&K, we actually like our customers and sell them what they want”
      And only mark it up 95% of what they do!

      • Twilight sparkle

        Fn is pretty cheap to be honest. My fnx and ps90 are quite affordable for what you get.

    • Paul White

      the weatherby one had me laughing

    • Navy Davy

      Sig – for the caliber, heavier, bulkier, and pricier!…

    • Mikial

      DPMS – “No that was a different company with the same name in the 90s”

      The DPMS one was great . . . and WAAAY too close to the truth!

    • CavScout

      You were WAY too nice to the junk making companies.

  • Colt: The gun-making equivalent of the short-bus

  • SirOliverHumperdink

    Taurus, the perfect glove box gun for your Chevy Citation X/11.

    • Edeco

      Seen a guy keep one in a Corsica.

  • SP mclaughlin

    Concern Kalashnikov: Concerned about importation bans.

  • Sianmink

    Henry Repeating Arms — We know you want an 1866 but that’s just too bad. `60 is as new as we get.

  • BrandonAKsALot

    The IWI and Steyr ones got a legit lol out of me.

    • Anon

      Steyr: outsourcing our most famous rifle to that other country people keep confusing us with.

      • Thomas Weißhuhn

        Austria-lia

  • Agitator

    Ruger: because white trash can own guns, too.

    • Paul White

      I resemble that remark.

      • Tassiebush

        Haha I just got my first one recently

  • kregano

    Serbu Firearms – We make everything BUT the AR-15 upper people wanted.

    IWI – We have some cool stuff, but we’ll take forever to bring the version YOU want, and our caliber conversions will cost as much as an AR-15.

  • ARCNA442

    Colt: Who needs innovation?

    H&K: We make the MP5 (but you can’t have it).

  • Otis Tyme

    “Cz got off too easy though”

    That’s what she said…

  • gunsandrockets

    Really? That slogan for HK? We all know what the HK slogan really is…

    Shall I begin it? “Because you …

    • DW

      …suck,

      • gunsandrockets

        … and we …

        • Deltervees

          … hate you. Die in a fire.

  • gunsandrockets

    Very funny. Well done!

  • Southpaw89

    Every AR manufacturer, “If it aint broke, don’t fix it.”
    Every AR replacement manufacturer, “It is broke!”

    • gunsandrockets

      No no, every AR manufacturer slogan should be “Thanks Obama!”

      And now I shall chastise myself for breaking TFB rules. Bad gunsandrockets! Naughty! Bad bad!

  • datimes

    Breaking news! Headline from New York newspaper. “Queens man found with AK47 and 17,000 rounds of ammunition’.

    • Wyatt Earp

      Having two ancient .22 rounds in your junk drawer constitutes “hoarding” in the NYPD’s expertise. The guy probably had a fence around his backyard. That makes his house a “compound.”

  • Edeco

    Webley: “Harumph”
    Kel Tec: “Si omnes-Ego non”
    Skky: “All your gun shop display case are belong to us”
    Barrett: “No 50 BMG for you” (if not allowed for private owners)
    Serbu: “Hold muh beer and watch this”

  • Jeff Smith

    Ruger – “Alexander Sturm? Never heard of him.”

  • H&K: Firearms for the flame wars.
    Sig: German design, Yankee quality control.
    Holland & Holland: We only accept gold.
    Merkel: Pretty guns at Camry costs.
    Glock: Like a Camry, but less flashy.
    Steyr: Have you seen our pistols? We haven’t.
    Bushmaster: We’re not just a 70s pr0n joke.
    S&W: Bill poked a hole in us.
    Colt: That which is not dead can eternal lie…
    Winchester: Konichiwa Cowboy-san!
    Remington: It hurts to live.
    Mossberg: Trust us, we aren’t Remington.
    Savage: Accuracy, affordability, homeliness.
    Ruger: The die is cast.
    Henry: Brass in our guns, not our boardroom.
    Chiappa: I can’t believe they bought it lmao!!!
    IWI: Americans think we are G-d.
    Walther: Yea, we put the de-cocker there.
    Beretta: Yea, we put the de-cocker there.
    Benelli: Because Muhreens.
    FMK: Not MDK.
    SCCY: So you didn’t attend college.
    Hi-Point: Actually we’re the nadir.

    • Cory C

      Hahaha. “Like a Camry, but less flashy.” That’s great.

    • TJbrena

      >IWI: Americans think we are G-d.
      Clever/10

    • Tim Mornard

      Awesome!

  • MrEllis

    Nicely done.

  • Mr. C

    Cabot Guns: We make guns out of freaking meteors.

    Zipfactory: For when you feel lucky.

    Century Arms: Step right up folks! You just might win a decent gun!

    Uberti: Legendary American firearms, made in Italy.

    Doubletap: You didn’t need that wrist anyways.

    Magnum Research: Because big is better.

  • SineNomine

    I thought H&K’s honest motto was “Because you suck and we hate you.”

  • stephen

    That was about the stupidest video I have ever saw – must be low on material again.

  • GhostTrain81

    And now… some love for non-US manufacturers 😀

    Norinco – Made in China, designed elsewhere.

    India Ordnance Factories (the INSAS guys) – our budget reflects our values. 10% R&D, 10% manufacturing costs, 80% Sanjay’s miscellaneous and trip expenses.

    Colt Canada – um… It’s a C8 not a M4. Sorry.

    Kalashnikov – Nyet, 1950s rifle is fine.

    • Scott P

      Norinco one isn’t entirely true. See Type 81, Type 03, Type 95, and other guns.

      Kalashnikov may apply to American gun owner tastes, untrained jihadis, or poor Third World armies but the Russians haven’t issued wood on their guns since the early 80’s (less you discount the AKS-74U which had wood until production ended in 1992). Also see AK-100 series, AK-12, and A-545 guns. All have rails or optics rails as standard to use them.

      • iksnilol

        Regarding wood: It actually is a bit better than polymer if used in cold areas (isn’t as cold to the touch).

      • George Dean

        And the Norinco stamped receiver is 1.3mm, the rest are 1mm. No slop anywhere in my Norinco MAK-90 a Chinese Type 56 variant. With a rail mount added to the side, Midwest Industries pic rail and red dot, it is a fine rifle.

  • Right-wing Realist✓ᴺᵃᵗᶦᵒᶰᵃˡᶦˢᵗ

    Super DANK memes, bro!

  • barnjoer

    What gets me is almost all Gun Manufactures are up North in the Blue States that are Union & hate Guns. When are they going to open there eyes & move South where we have some common since about what is right & wrong with these United States. Wake up before Blue becomes our Nations primary color & the only RED is on our own streets!!!

    • Jon Hammett

      Mainly they are located in the Northern section of the country due to the close proximity to materials and sea ports which equals less cost to them and less cost to you.

  • uisconfruzed

    Shouldn’t it be S&W because Colt doesn’t make the Anacona?!?

  • Core

    Nothing against Mauser, those damn Nazis.. Too bad you didn’t mention Keltec or Hipoint.. I was thinking for Keltec A bullet lodged in the barrel is better than two bullets in the bush? Wait no. And Highpoint for the savvy shopper who can’t afford a Keltec..

  • M.Mitchell Marmel

    Hi-Point: Boxy but good. ;-D

  • dltaylor51

    Glock,made from Tupperware just like your mom uses.

    • Wyatt Earp

      Glock: Combat tupperware
      Glock: When you absolutely have to have a 40 year old design that blows up in your hand.
      Glock: It IS your grandpa’s pistol.

  • Tim Mornard

    That’s pretty dang funny. The comments are too…

  • FalconMoose

    Good, entertaining video! Well stroked!

  • Mike Lashewitz

    Of all the gun blogs I enjoy TFB the most.