I saw these posted on Facebook, written by Logan Alexander. He poses the question “What if Gun Companies were restaurants?”. Here is what he had to say about this short series.
What If @TFB:
- What If Gun Companies Were Honest? (aka. The Video Where We Humorously Insult Every Gun Company)
- What If You Could Only Have Three Guns?
- What if … we replace lead shot with jelly beans?
So, people ask me a lot about what guns they should buy for themselves, and I tell them that we should just go together and look… but then we compare schedules and it’s clear that’s never going to work out and now we’re at an impasse. So a little while ago I had this idea. This is a list of gun manufacturers, and the restaurant that I feel corresponds to them and their level of quality, social stigma, etc. And I tell jokes. Enjoy!
What If: Smith & Wesson Is McDonald’s
Logan starts off with Smith & Wesson and compares it to McDonalds.
This is the standard against which all national food is gauged. You better be nicer than this if you don’t want to be looked down on. It’s a lot of people’s first experience with eating out. And to be perfectly frank, they have a HIGH standard of quality control that is nearly unparalleled. A McDouble you buy in Tulsa, OK tastes exactly like the one you could eat in Chicago, IL and that one will be indistinguishable from the one you buy in Berlin, Germany. Maybe you can’t stunt on your friends by taking them here, but damnit it does it’s job well and it does it every time. And it does a wider range of things well than most restaurants could hope to balance. From pancakes, to hamburgers, to fried chicken, salads in a big cup, fish, sometimes they have a McRib, and it’s all pretty good. REALLY good for what you’re paying for it. They never really innovate, they wait and see what other chains are having success doing and then copy them (that Crispy Chicken Sandwich tastes a lot like Chick Fil A don’t it…) but when they add something to their menu it is good to go and it is guaranteed to be up to their standards. Maybe customer service could use some work.
What If: Glock Is Chick-Fil-A
Chick Fil A knows ONE trick. ONE. They have fried chicken cooked in peanut oil. You can eat that as nuggets, or on a bun, or whatever but if you eat at Chick Fil A, you’re getting fried chicken cooked in peanut oil. No restaurant in the history of the Earth has has been more reliably delicious than a Chick Fil A. They don’t mess up. And if they do, they will fix it for you so fast and so well that no one will ever know that they did. Downside…they’re a little culty about it. Ok, maybe a lot culty about it. And so are the people who love them. And because of that, there are a lot of people who are culty about hating them. They also are gonna cost more than McDonalds across the board. And, not for nothing, they aren’t really gonna be blowing anybody’s skirt up after they’ve eaten there a few
times. “You want a pizza or a hamburger? Well, go somewhere else. We do Fried Chicken cooked in Peanut oil. That’s it.
This is not bad. I could just as easily substitute Chick-Fil-A for In-N-Out. Just as culty and a one trick pony restaurant.
What If: Ruger Is Burger King
Burger King is pretty much doing exactly what McDonalds (Smith & Wesson) is doing a little slower and with kind of a quirky style. Customer Service is industry leading too. You can have it your way. Burger King is also, like McDonalds, going to be waiting to see what is popular and then doing their own version, but you’re probably going to find yourself liking it a little better. You’re also going to get a wider range of quality offerings out of Burger King. If you want a Cheeseburger that costs a dollar, they got that. But if you want a cheeseburger that costs $15, they got that too. Probably the only big hiccup Burger King is gonna have behind McDonalds is a little bit less quality control. Maybe your bun is a little doughy, maybe your fries are stale, etc. But hey, just go up to the counter. They’ll fix it for you with a big smile. You’re having it your way.
Since COVID19, my local Burger Kings have dropped in quality. It takes 15-20 mins now to get anything from drive thru. But McDonald’s is still cranking out food just as fast pre-COVID19.
What If: Taurus Is Taco Bell
Taco Bell is delicious, but when you go you are REALLY rolling the dice. Maybe it’s a wonderful meal at an AMAZING price. Maybe the food makes you shit your pants and die. Just, definitely check your Taco Bell before you share it with quests.
I’ve never had gastrointestinal problems with Taco Bell and I have never had an issue with a Taurus but I have certainly eaten at Taco Bell way more times than I have used or owned a Taurus. Maybe Aidan can shed some light if he thinks Taco Bell is an apt analogy.
What If: SIG Sauer Is Applebee’s
This is probably the bottom rung that you can really show off and brag about (unless the person you’re bragging to is in the Chick Fil A cult.) You could take a first date here and they wouldn’t bat an eye. And you can spend Chick Fil A money on your meal if you want, or you can buy a $40 steak and really stunt. The problem is……Applebees isn’t really keeping up the quality control or customer service that they used to. You don’t necessarily want to try a new dish at Applebees the first month it comes out. You wanna wait and see what other people had to say about it when they ate it before you decide if you wanna roll the dice. Odds are Applebees is going to take it off the menu, rework it, and put it back on a few times before they get that really good version you’re gonna be happy with. And, not for nothing, if they food poison you, even if they food poisoned you with that tried and tested $40 steak, they’re probably going to try and say it was somehow your fault unless you have some really ironclad evidence that they cooked it wrong.
What If: Beretta Is Olive Garden
This is event dining. This is reserved for your birthday, or anniversary. You’re gonna pay a little more, but they do have a $10 pizza or soup if you just absolutely can’t handle one of their main entrees. This is definitely a dining experience you can show off and look good for having selected. And it’s always gonna taste GREAT.
But man, the portions are big. You’re gonna feel it on your belly after you eat here. You’re might even kinda wish you’d gotten a lighter meal somewhere else instead, even if it wasn’t as fancy.
I’m not sure about this analogy. I guess if you only look at the lower spectrum of Beretta’s offerings. But when you look at Benelli and all the fancy over/unders that Beretta makes, I feel like Olive Garden is not quite appropriate. But I also cannot think of a better analogy that matches their wide range of offerings.
What If: FN Is Red Lobster
You can absolutely impress everyone you take with you with your choice of Red Lobster just like you can with Olive Garden. But unlike Olive Garden…I don’t know…just never seems like the food you ordered justifies that bill does it? I paid so much.. why is this not better? Why does my waiter seem pissed off that I’m here? Why are they so hostile when I bring up a problem? I didn’t get the order wrong, you did, and this dinner cost a hundred bucks. Don’t tell me you weren’t prepared for how many people came tonight, it’s this packed every time l’m in here.
Also FN and Browning are the same company.
What If: HK Is Ruth’s Chris
This is not a restaurant that dirty “poors” eat at, nor was it intended to be. These are for people who don’t need to be told they were supposed to wear a blazer or a dress to dinner, that’s just what they wear every day. If it was feasible for this restaurant to only sell meals from a balcony looking down on everyone who bought their dinner at McDonalds or Burger King they absolutely would, and if the owners could get away
with a Genocide of all the people who ordered Taco Bell they’d do it in a heart beat. (They, *ahem*, have a history of helping with Genocides.)
But is the food good?
Dunno. I’ve never eaten here. Can’t afford it.
Even though I am an HK fan, Ruth’s Chris (and HK) are a bit overrated. I’ve had Ruth’s Chris and was not blown away by their steak. It was definitely well cooked but the quality of the meat was lackluster. This reminds me of guns like the G36 or HK416. While they are held up on a pedestal, they don’t seem to be these amazing space magic guns we wish they were. Where is the G11 and MP7? They just seem like overly expensive compared to other offerings that are just as reliable and shoot as well or better.
What If: Colt Is Cracker Barrel
If you ask your grandpa where you should eat, he’s gonna say Cracker Barrel. And if you only consider his life experience, he’s probably right. The kind of food they serve at Cracker Barrel was the best food he’d ever had in his life back when he was in the war. It was the kind of food that made the Depression a little less hard on the South than the rest of the country, and when he thinks about his home..he thinks about Cracker Barrel.
Downside, Cracker Barrel knows he feels that way about it. So they’ve gotten WAY too comfortable phoning it in sometimes, or leaving you standing out in the lobby FOREVER while you’re trying to eat there. You probably could order and finish 7 consecutive meals from Chick Fil A in the time it takes you just to get your hands on a plate from Cracker Barrel. BUT, honest to god, when all the Cracker Barrel employees do the job like they’re supposed to, if the biscuits and drinks and refills are all where they’re supposed to be, when all the ingredients are good and fresh, If the waitress called you sweetheart and gave you that little pat on your shoulder and now the food is on the table in front of you, if ALL of that went the way it’s supposed to…god…there’s just nothing on earth as
good as Cracker Barrel.
What If: Remington Is Waffle House
You know there’s a lot of people who look down on and mock Waffle House….but you’ve never actually met anyone who has ACTUALLY eaten at a Waffle House who has a bad thing to say about them. Everybody you know who eats at Waffle House LOVES the food they got at Waffle House. You know people who would pick Waffle House for their last meal with confidence. And, Y’know, like, a lot of criminals work there. Ok, yeah. But where were YOU planning to get a delicious meal at a sit down restaurant for this price?
That’s what I thought.
I have only tried a Waffle House once and every square inch of surface was covered in grease. No it wasn’t Rem Oil.
What If: Mossberg Is Logan’s Roadhouse
The food here costs more than Waffle House, and for some reason it doesn’t have that weird stigma like Waffle House does, but man this whole company is fucking crazy. They’re totally cool with you throwing stuff all in the floor, and the line cook fights the managers and the waitresses like he’s defending some kind of title. Half the utensils you use are going to come in a bucket. Everyone you’ve ever met who worked for them sounds like they were a hairs breadth from blowing they’re brains out and if that waitress talks to you like that one more time you’re gonna go back there and hold her
legs while the line cook pummels her and.. ..damn… .these Roadies are good, man! I’m eating here again tomorrow!
I have never eaten at a Logan’s Roadhouse let alone heard of them before so I am not sure how accurate this analogy is.
What If: Springfield Armory Is Panera Bread
So this one is just as culty as Chick Fil A, but on the TOTAL opposite end of the spectrum. And you’re gonna pay twice as much, and is it just me or is everyone who works for this
company legitimately offended that I chose to come here? Also, they’re straight up lying about their food being locally grown and ethically sourced. They’ll bend over backwards to make eating here convenient though. You can get food from here no problem, provided you’re willing to pay more, roll the dice on your order being wrong, and then don’t count on getting any assistance fixing it.
What If: Walther Is Ruby Tuesday
You definitely have friends who say this is their favorite restaurant, but you’ve never actually seen them or anybody else eating here. You definitely haven’t eaten here. Someone must be though, cause you see them every now and again. You should really try it, I’ll bet it’s good. ….eh, nah. Let’s just go to Chick Fil A.
What If: KelTec Is Chipotle
There are three kinds of people in the world.
1. People who have never eaten at Chipotle. Maybe never even heard of it. There’s not a lot of them where thev live.
2. People who were almost killed by a meal they got at Chipotle and would sooner eat inside of an active dumpster fire than go eat at a Chipotle again.
3. A guy you know from the office who seemingly only eats at Chipotle and if you send him out to pick up lunch…he’s bringing back Chipotle.
What If: Hi-Point Is Little Caesars
“It’s hot and ready.”
..but is it, like, good?”
“We said it’s HOT and it’s READY.”
What If: CZ Is Cheddar’s
Ok, look. Cheddars is DELICIOUS. It’s so good. But, c’mon man. Nothing is as good as that guy acts like Cheddars is. Reel it in, man. You’re over selling this. Pretty damn good though.
I am not sure how I feel about this analogy. I feel like there are two sub cults for CZ. You are either in the CZ Scorpion cult or the CZ-75 cult.
What If: Kimber Is IHOP
This is a restaurant for people who wanted to eat at Cracker Barrel but for one reason or another ended up at IHOP instead. Maybe they have decided they don’t want the stigma
of eating at their Grand Pa’s favorite restaurant, or maybe Cracker Barrel was just packed or closed. Whatever the reason, You’re gonna pay the same price, and you’re not going to enjoy your customer service experience. BUT, there are some neat modern additions they’ve made to their pancakes that you aren’t gonna find at Cracker Barrel, and it is a HUGE plus that IHOP is open 24/7 and you never really have to wait for a table. You can pretty much go get some IHOP any time you want it.
What If: Gun Companies Were Restaurants
And to wrap up, any rando imported guns of any kind are like getting Chinese Take out. It could be the most delicious meal you’ve ever had in your life, a plate passed down using the same artistry that has been taught generation to generation down the ages to you. Or you could shit your pants and die. And sometimes the same place can serve you the same dish that was delicious the last time you got it and now it’s rancid.
And sometimes it tastes delicious for a while and then turns on you later. Dunno. One way or another, you eat it, you’re gonna find out.
So what did you think of Logan’s analogies? I thought many of them worked well . Other analogies did not see to be a good fit but I could not think of alternate restaurants. I am sure the comment section is going to be quite active. Have at it readers! Thank you Logan for entertaining us with your wit.