TFB’s Top 10 Calibers for Gun Hipsters

Everyone knows that one guy who won’t shut up about his meme caliber. He will find any and every excuse to talk about it, show you pictures of it and tell you about its amazing terminal ballistics. Despite a cornucopia of overwhelming evidence against why his particular caliber isn’t all that great, he will nevertheless insist. So all you gun hipsters grab your Macbook, slip on your skinny jeans and get ready to blog about how wrong we are at Starbucks while you blast the latest Decemberists album.

FN 5.7x28mm

Alright, we get it, you’ve seen every single episode of Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis. You own an actual FN Five-seveN. You probably even own a full NFA FN PS90. The fact is your meme caliber died about the same time Kurt Kobain did.

The 5.7 round was billed as able to defeat kevlar helmets and light body armor when fired from the P90, which has a longer barrel (and thus burns more of the powder, getting the round up to a higher speed). It is not an inherently armor-defeating round as many people think (thanks in part to Hollywood and the media).

The Five-seveN will extract less power from the round, because of its shorter barrel. So you are basically firing a lower-powered 5.56x45mm through a shorter barrel. Not, mind you, that I’d want to be shot by one (although it is fun to shoot!), but it doesn’t have any more ability to defeat body armor than any other pistol, probably less than some, despite its reputation to the contrary.

9x39MM

So imagine you’re minding your own business at the range, probably practicing, maybe plinking or perhaps you just wanted to get out of the house for a while and shoot. All of a sudden you hear some muffled yelling coming from the next bay over.

CKYA BYLAT, ANUUUUU CHEEKI BREEKI IV DAMKE!

What comes out next is a cacophony of gunfire from a strange-looking AK. The curiously overweight Gopnik waddles his way over to you since he caught you looking and proceeds to ask you strange questions. “Have you ever played S.T.A.L.K.E.R? You should see my 9x39mm rifle, it can pierce body armor and it’s subsonic!”

The poor bastard doesn’t even know that the armor-piercing SP6 cartridge was never imported into the US from the USSR or Russian Federation. Worse he’s still trying to get you to look at his rifle like its a unicorn and he won’t turn down his Hardbass and let you shoot in peace.

45 GAP

James Reeves probably wishes it was more mainstream. Or maybe he likes that 45 GAP fell out of favor making it more underground and obscure than ever.

The 45 GAP (Glock Auto Pistol), is a 45 caliber cartridge designed at the request of Glock to have a stronger case head to reduce the possibility of case neck blowouts and be shorter to fit in a more compact handgun.

45 GAP was quickly adopted by law enforcement agencies looking to up their game. However, the round quickly fell out of favor and to this day only two manufacturers, Bond Arms and Glock still make pistols chambered in 45 GAP. You can probably spot the 45 GAP hipster at the range donning a plain black suit with matching thin black tie, dark sunglasses and matching bowler hat.

.380 ACP

Woah there, don’t smash the keyboard just yet. Hear me out.  Tell me why you carry 380 ACP again? Why carry a 380 when Glock, SIG and even Springfield make subcompact pistols in 9mm?

Why carry a .380 when it’s more expensive than 9mm? We get it, 9mm is too mainstream for you and you have to be different. I’m sure John Browning is looking down from heaven at you with pride right now. Either that or he’s wishing you’d stop purposely printing your pocket gun.

458 SOCOM

Hog Stopper, Thumper, The Beast. These are all cringe-worthy nicknames you’ll hear from the 458 SOCOM shooter who’s busy still trying to calculate his next loading instead of shooting his $2.50 per round oversized wannabe 50 caliber ammunition.

You’ll often spot the 458 SOCOM hipster saying things like, This caliber could drop an elephant. Who needs .50 Beowulf when you’ve got 458 SOCOM? Why am I always Broke? Just like Apple Fanboys, 458 SOCOM users need the veneration and adulation of other gun owners to justify the absurd cost of their ammunition. Don’t give it to them.

5.45x39mm

5.45 is just code for “I don’t know how to AK right.” You can find most 5.45x39mm users at home in their basements browsing Arfcom and loudly typing things like wasted energy and “flatter shooting.” Too bad most of them will never actually shoot a live target or attempt to shoot at anything past 50 yards.

Aside from 7.62×39 being a far more serviceable round in practically every measurable metric, Gun Hipsters will insist that they’re expensive almost impossible to find 5.45×39 ammunition is better in every way. 5.45×39 shooters can usually be spotted wearing their trademark knockoff Spetsnaz outfit and driving an imported Lada to the range. That is if they can find any ammunition or magazines. 5.45×39 shooters will often be spending more time trying to convince you that they’re actually Russian than shooting their rifles.

16 gauge

If names like Mossberg, Remmington, Stoger, and Winchester aren’t in your shotgun vocabulary you’re probably a shotgun hipster. With 12 Gauge being a deadly assault pellet gun and 20 gauge only being suited to the strongest of 13-year-olds, the discerning gun hipster will choose the antiquated 16 gauge.

The person who shoots and unironically uses a 16 gauge shotgun is the same person that goes to a Steel Challenge match and doesn’t have their magazines loaded when it’s their turn to shoot. A 16 gauge shooter is the same kind of person who would drive a Ford Model T unironically whilst wearing a top hat and twirling their mustache. Get with the times Grandpa!

7.62 Tokarev

I still can’t for the life of me figure out why a majority of gun hipsters pick Soviet-Era Clown Calibers. Perhaps the ghost of Lenin is possessing them through their ammunition selection. The 7.62 Tokarev hipster also shares its passion with another subculture known as the Neckbeard. Sometimes, in fact, they are the same creature with each side proclaiming that the other is “disgusting” or “pretentious.” In reality, the 7.62 Tokarev shooter is just a sad little man who couldn’t afford a proper 9mm pistol and had to settle for “that one weird Russian thing” he found at the county Gun Show.

The Tokarev hipster, upon realizing that his inferior dead-sea-scroll tier pistol is next to worthless in any situation besides looking like a deformed and mentally disabled version of 1911, will attempt to make wild claims. Claims like “the USSR was ahead of its time!” Or the classic “You’re just jealous I have a piece of history!” Either way, the Tokarev hipster will soon be called back home by their mother because it’s 7pm and its Tendie time.

224 Valkyrie

The final boss, the Fudd extraordinaire, the guy at Bass Pro shop who won’t stop recommending it to you. The .224 Valkyrie hipster will stop at nothing to get a gun in this caliber in your hands.

Upon resisting, Fuddus Imperator will then coo at you with short sweet phrases like “game-changer” to you. In a vain attempt to get you to buy. The 224 Valkyrie shooters are closely related to the 6.8 SPC shooter. Both rounds do basically the same thing – be expensive.

Conclusions

Gun hipsters are everpresent in the gun community. No matter how refined or how practical your ammo is, there will always be a hipster there to one-up you with their meme caliber. Whenever you’re out hunting deer with your .308, there will be a .224 Valkyrie shooter at work saving up for his next batch of ammo. When you’re at the range practicing your draws for defensive carry, there will be a 7.62 Tokarev shooter tipping his fedora at the girl behind the gun counter. Just remember that these people aren’t normal and are only there to laud their poor spending decisions over your heads. Thanks for reading and make sure to leave your thoughts, comments and butthurt in the comments below!