Monkeys with Machine Guns

The journalists at China’s Peoples Daily appear to be even less informed about guns than your average American journalist. Yesterday they reported that the Taliban were training monkeys to operate AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns.

Recently, a British journalist went to Pakistan and Afghanistan border of Waziristan’s tribal region where he witnessed a few of the monkey soldiers armed with an AK-47 rifle and Bren light machine gun. Taliban militants in the past have strictly kept the program secret.

The Infinite monkey theorem states that if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters they will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. I say that if you give a million monkeys a million AK-47s all that you will end up with is a lot of dead monkeys.

[ Many thanks to Rolf for emailing me the link. ]





Steve Johnson

Founder and Dictator-In-Chief of TFB. A passionate gun owner, a shooting enthusiast and totally tacti-uncool. Favorite first date location: any gun range. Steve can be contacted here.


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  • SpudGun

    Isn’t this the plot to one of the Planet of the Apes movies?

  • JonMac

    I assumed it had to be satire. It’s very Onion. But coming out of China? Who knows. One thing’s for sure – assuming it were even possible, it would cost more to hire apes or monkeys than it would poor/bored/dumb young Afghans and Pakistanis.

  • Phil Wong

    And now, in entertainment news: The long-awaited, action-packed new sequel to “Any Which Way But Loose”…

    “Five-round burst, Clyde!”

  • Anon

    If you put a million monkeys in a room with a million typewriters… the smell would be unbearable. (old Letterman joke)

  • Erik

    What’s not to like? Does it have Monkeys? Check. Machine guns? Check. Outlandish Conspiracy theory tied to the CIA? Check. It’s got all the ingredients of a blockbuster movie at the very least.

    My favorite quote is “Taliban leaders have recently taken the initiative [to] show monkey soldiers to tourists of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border area.”

    Is there a thriving tourism industry in that area? Did I miss the Summer group tour of Waziristan special from my local travel agent? Man going to the Black Hills seems so lame now…..

  • clamp

    The Infinite monkey theorem states that if you give a million monkeys a million typewriters they will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. I say that if you give a million monkeys a million AK-47s all that you will end up with is a lot of dead monkeys.

    LMAO!

    I posted this on my FB status and gave you credit, Steve.

    • clamp, thanks 🙂

  • Greetings from Texas,
    The scarie part is your not kidding.

  • Pete

    This is the greatest story ever! Love the dead monkeys line at the end too!

  • Actually, I think the monkeys are smart enough to run away screaming once the first round goes off.

  • B Woodman

    “I say that if you give a million monkeys a million AK-47s all that you will end up with is a lot of dead monkeys.”

    That, and a lot of AK-47s in the hands of the enemy.

  • thomas

    i can see how this will end PLANET OF THE APES

  • Graham

    so many dead monkeys…

  • me

    Come on, with enough peanuts as incentives, it could happen.

  • Lance

    Senator Dipstine from California now wants a ban on assault monkeys there too deadly for America!!!! LOL

  • don’tcha just love the innanet!?

  • charlesa222

    If you give a million monkeys a million AK-47s…you’d get a million crapped-on AK-47s.

  • gunslinger

    Here’s a link to a CNN video of the monkey soldier story. I wonder if any other news outlet is “covering” this story.

    http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/offbeat/2010/07/13/moos.jihad.monkey.cnn?hpt=C2

  • conrad

    It’s way more funny if you use the audio link and have the robot lady read it out loud.

  • accur8shot

    The photo is total BS. That’s no monkey firing a machine gun. You can clearly see it’s a female Taliban firing a machine gun.